Theo Von

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Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski (born March 19, 1980), known professionally as Theo Von, is an American stand-up comedian, podcaster, television personality, host, and actor.

Theo suffers from alchoholism and a ton of other -isms.

Accolades and alternative names[edit]

Early life[edit]

Theo Von was born Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski, in Covington, Louisiana, the son of Gina Capitani and Roland von Kurnatowski Sr. He has an older brother and two younger sisters, all of whom currently reside in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. His father was originally from Nicaragua and was 70 years old when Theo was born.

Theo was a handsome kid. He had long and beautiful hair. He had a strong chest and shoulders, often compared to the "strongest french bulldog you've ever seen". Theo was born with AP.

Theo was held back in the 4th grade twice because school was harder when he grew up.

Theo has had so many quarters taken out of his body it added up to around 8 dollars.

The most violent situation Theo was in growing up was when he and his brother got into a fight and a chair was broken over one of them. It is unknown who hit who over the head with the chair because one of them was wearing a disguise.

One of Theo's greatest fears growing up was losing an appendage.

Theo would often try to make mentals blow milk out of their nose during lunch breaks in elementary school. He made one boy, Tot, laugh so hard he almost blew his throat out.

The first live asian Theo had ever seen was the picture of several young boys riding the same bike in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Theo and his friends heard of a nearby asian about 17 miles away. He and his friends worked to save up for a taxi to where he was apparently located. It ended up being a mexican jewish guy in some strange hats - no real asians. It tragically cost them 70 dollars and Theo struggled from abandonment issues related to asians for several years. This story conflicts with similar accounts of it being a burnt down pizza hut.

Recent Stories[edit]

Theo knocked up a girl when he turned 37. She is from South Dakota and lived on a Native American reservation. She threatened to have the child but eventually decided against it. Theo met her on snapchat and advises most people to not have sex with people they meet on snapchat.


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